


Escapism

by Ingi



Series: I’ll let you know that all this time I’ve been afraid [4]
Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Awkward Sexual Situations, Blow Jobs, Boys Being Boys, Erejean Week, Erejean Week 2015, French-Speaking Jean Kirstein, Frottage, Gender, Genderfluid Character, Hand Jobs, Implied Past Jean/OC, Jean's background, M/M, Unresolved Sexual Tension, jean in glasses, painter Jean
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-02
Updated: 2015-04-02
Packaged: 2018-03-18 12:48:03
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,855
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3570245
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ingi/pseuds/Ingi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>~ Escapism: a mental desire to retreat from unpleasant realities through fantasy. ~</p><p>  <em>One would have thought Eren was used to sexual frustration, being a teenager trapped an insane amount of time with the same people (mostly men, although he wasn't quite sure that was a fact against him when he had felt a bit more interest for them than for women) and with scarce opportunities to do anything ever resembling sexual interaction. The thing was, that hadn't been a real problem until Jean fucking Kirstein.</em></p><p>Eren has (sexual) problems, Jean has (serious) problems, and they both run away from them until they aren't able to do so anymore.</p><p>(#Jean's background strikes again yay; #Unresolved Sexual Tension... until it kinda resolves; #Lots of Eren feels; #Armin being terribly awkward; #Mikasa being badass and kinda shipping Erejean; #Eren and Armin giving gender fluidity a shot)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Escapism

**Author's Note:**

> I swear to all that's true and holy in this damn fandom that the title (escapism) and its meaning has nothing to do with the gender part of the plot.  
> And now that I'm on it, I've tried to be as respectful as I always try to be with any other topic. Since I haven't been in touch with these sensitive matters for long enough to feel completely safe writing without extra info, I researched on the topic as much as I could, but still... If my lack of experience in some matters have somehow made me write clichés or anything that could be disrespectful, don't hesitate telling me (but please note that the characters' opinions are not my own).
> 
> Also, I've meant to treat these gender plot as something natural that flows within the fic and not something that turns it around and makes a big deal out of everything (because identities and sexuality are fluid in themselves, dammit, aren't they?), so the entire plot is not about gender, not at all (me twisting plots yet again, yay).
> 
> Oh, and I'm stealing another damn Imagine Dragons' song for this: "Dreams". Enjoy yourself and try not to think too hard in that I somehow always end up making someone from the outside fuck with Jean's life, because yeah, I've noticed too (all important people for Eren are in the Legion, I guess, so I haven't really had the chance to fuck with his life, have I? oh well, this is all mostly self-indulgent anyway).
> 
> NOTE: To see the translation from French, hover your mouse over the sentences.  
> (Also, feel free to point out anything that feels wrong in the translation; for example, I used 'vous' for the second person because I've always been told French people barely ever used the 'tu' form, even with close friends, but I might be wrong)

_In the dark_  
_and I’m right on the middle mark._  
_I’m just in the tier of everything that rides below the surface_  
_and I watch from a distance seventeen,_  
_and I’m short of the others dreams of being golden and on top._  
_It’s not what you painted in my head,_  
_there’s so much there instead of all the colors that I saw._

One would have thought Eren was used to sexual frustration, being a teenager trapped an insane amount of time with the same people (mostly men, although he wasn't quite sure that was a fact against him when he had felt a bit more interest for them than for women) and with scarce opportunities to do anything ever resembling sexual interaction. The thing was, that hadn't been a real problem until _Jean fucking Kirstein_.

Before, he wanked a few times a month if he really needed to and called it a day; it was just his body doing things it was supposed to, and he took care of that the same way he ate or peed. That wasn't sufficing anymore. Somehow, while he fell in an easy routine of covert make up sessions with Jean, the raging feeling he got in his chest whenever he as much as _saw_ him (yes, pathetic) had started to slowly slip down until it was directly settled in his groin. It was understandable, since things had been getting heated for a while, Jean's hands hanging loosely from Eren's waistband or tangled in his hair or pressed against his chest, Jean's leg sometimes nudging Eren's open and keeping him still against the wall or wherever they were leaning into, Jean's mouth exploring Eren's neck with much more eagerness than he ever showed in scouting missions. Eren wasn't completely sure whatever he was doing it on purpose or not, or what he intended with it at any rate, but it was fucking him up.

It was the fourth time in that very week he'd had to jack off furiously in a storeroom before training, because Jean had been too close for anyone's good and had slapped his hand away when he'd tried to reach him through his pants, even though he was half-hard himself (fuck, he had _felt_ it there, pressing against his thigh, he'd just wanted to _touch_ but Jean hadn't fucking let him and...). Every time it happened, it just made it worse for the next one, Eren getting more and more worked up without being able to release the way he wanted (with Jean's hand on him, with his mouth if he was feeling daring and especially horny, even just by rutting against him, _fuck please, just let me, do something, fuck, fuck_ ).

No one could have really blamed him for his terribly crooked mood if they had known the reasons for it, he was sure, but everything his friends saw was a very jumpy Eren Jäeger, who ocassionally tripped over things while he was watching Jean and even more often glared at him in a way that spelled trouble in capital letters. The fucktart looked unbearably graceful while doing those exercises in his gear Eren should have been doing too, but he had given up on them after falling flat on his ass for the seventh time straight.

"Let's face it, Jäeger brat, you weren't born for the 3DMG" Levi sighed, tapping his foot on the ground impatiently as he followed Jean's movements in the air with genuine admiration. "Luckily for everybody, you have other useful talents" he added as an afterthought, before he moved over to mercilessly criticize Armin.

"How do you even do that?" Eren lashed at Mikasa, who apparently was having a distant competition with Jean and looking like every bit of the dark angel she was. "It's fucking impossible!"

"It's all balance and reflexes, Eren" she replied patiently, performing a swift twirl and staring at Jean in a 'let's see what you got now' fashion. "You would probably improve in both if you stopped ogling Jean so much."

That left Eren speechless for at least half a second. "I wasn't! And look who's talking, your eyes haven't even drifted away from him in the last hour!"

There was only so many rancor he could spit into a sentence without Mikasa taking the hint and turning into her protective sister mode (did she ever leave it?). She landed effortlessly again, her lips twisting and her eyes curious. "He's outstanding in flying with the gear and learning some of his moves wouldn't hurt me, but I have no other interest in him whatsoever. I was under the impression I had already gotten my point across in regard of that."

"Doesn't seem so. He's obviously showing off for you" he pointed out bitterly, refusing to let it be.

"I highly doubt it's me who he's trying to impress" she retorted, a half-smile brightening her face. "Considering the only reason he ever insisted on flirting with me was probably to be able to be all over you without suspicion. I'm glad he moved over to a more dignified method."

"We're just..." Eren started, about to tell her that they were _nothing_ , nothing else but friends (a weird kind of friends, but not friends who _flirted_ ), and then he was tongue-tied because he had just realized they _were_ something and couldn't find a way to express what the hell they were or what they were doing, and didn't even know if he was allowed to try and _tell_ or if Jean would go psycho if he found out. Not that he cared, it was never a bad day to push Jean's buttons, but since he was having some serious sexual frustration there it was better not to make it worse with a fight (and maybe he should stop worrying about Jean and start worrying about why their fights fucking turned him on).

And then he had the perfect excuse to distract himself from completing the sentence, because Jean had somehow disappeared from the training grounds and... oh, no, there he was, gear still on but mind very faraway from their exercises, as it seemed, a runaway taking shelter in the warmth that seeped out of the nearby kitchen windows. A lean figure was clinging onto him, casual clothes making a strong contrast against Jean's Legion uniform, kneeling on the ground with their face buried on his hip in a way that made Eren's heart jump painfully, until Jean dragged them back up and he was able to make sure there was no evidence of them having been too close to his _not-friend-not-partner_ 's crotch. Honestly, Eren would have killed him before drowning in shame and self-consciousness (why would Jean choose that stranger to blow him instead of Eren, who was a _much better_ choice? especially when _he_ had been the one pinning over him for the last few weeks).

He didn't know if he should have felt startled or reassured when the unknown person was revealed to be a boy, a boy slightly younger than them and half-hiding his pale face with a grey beret (and he still looked familiar, somehow). They were in range sight as much as in eavesdropping range, so Eren could make out that he also had some of the most feminine features he'd ever seen, aside from sharing Marco's freckles and his own green eyes, which was a bit disturbing if he thought about it. The boy was gripping Jean's arm and staring challengingly at him, even with tears running down his cheeks. He shouted something in a lost language, one which was entirely too soft-spoken to be used for an argument, and Jean replied in his usual careless voice "Geez, Charlie, I'm right here, you're gonna leave me deaf."

"Eren" someone called from his right, and he had to gather all his self-control (which wasn't much anyway) not to snap at them. That ended up being a great idea, since Mikasa was the one claiming his attention and one didn't just _snap_ at Mikasa. "You shouldn't eavesdrop."

"If they didn't want to be heard, they should have walked further away" he replied stubbornly, at the same time Levi noticed Jean's absence and yelled on the top of his lungs.

"Arlert, Bott, go fetch the Kirstein brat and kick his lazy ass back to training, or he'll wish to be eaten by a Titan when I catch him!"

"Who's him anyway?" Eren asked Mikasa, as if she should know, while he observed a very disconcerted Armin and a cheerful Marco walking over the nearby figures. The unfamiliar boy was wiping his tears away with the back of his hand and making an angry gesture as he chid him in softer voice, and Jean rested a hand on his shoulder before taking sight of his approaching friends and looking between embarassed and annoyed.

Mikasa, always the practical one (and also probably a bit aggravated by Eren's success in ignoring her answers anyway), pushed him towards them and shrugged. "Go find out." It happened to be the same moment in which Jean was complaining loudly, throwing his hands up the air in a grandiloquent gesture "Great, guys, privacity was obsolete anyway, why don't you call everyone else in so we can throw a party?" Nobody could supress a giggle at Eren's sudden appearance, and he noticed quite proudly how Jean groaned and hid his blushing face in his hands when he saw him. "Ever heard the concept of _sarcasm_ , Jäeger?"

"Ever thought of getting into the quarters and lowering your voice if you wanted some fucking privacity, Kirstein?" he was quick to reply, if just out of habit.

"Look who's talking, the one who still can't fucking grasp what an indoor voice is!"

"So that's how it is" the boy intervened, a knowing smile spreading across his lips. "Tell me, Jean, does he have anything to do with...?" Jean interrupted him by kicking his shin so the boy yelped, but he returned the kick and turned to smile brightly at Eren first, and then at Armin and Marco too. "Don't mind him, he's just being obnoxious on purpose, as you probably know by now."

" _Charlotte_ " Jean hissed warningly, tongue rolling softer than expected in the first syllabe and harsher in the last one, giving the name an exotic shade. Eren was pretty sure that was a girly name, but hey, some parents were just cruel.

"Nice to meet you, too" Marco grinned, no doubt happy to find someone who shared the pain in the ass Jean's friendship was (or at least, that was what Eren got out of his expression). "I'm Marco, Marco Bott. There's Armin Arlert, and Eren Jäeger" he added, probably noticing how Armin was at least three tones redder than usual and Eren himself was too astonished yet to think about introducing himself. "Are you new in the Legion?"

" _Hell no_ , I wouldn't get into the Survey Corps for a sack of gold" he dismissed. "But apparently, this idiotic guy here would, as I have only recently found out." The barely concealed hurt tone in his voice made the cause of their argument evident, and he shot Jean a harsh look of narrowed eyes.

"I can't believe my mother told you, she can't fucking _stand_ you!" Jean blurted out, running a hand through his hair.

That wasn't a very nice thing to say, Eren could tell even knowing how little interest would being approved by Jean's assholish mother hold for anyone half-clever. Charlotte should have thought the same, for he clenched his teeth and nudged him in the ribs. "She didn't tell me, she told Sylvain and _he_ told me."

Jean's eyes widened at that, and after glancing at their public in an almost scared way, he replied roughly " _C'est pourquoi vous êtes ici, n'est-ce pas? Vas te faire encule, Charlotte, je ne vais pas parler avec lui, jamais!_"

" _Très bien , mais ce n'est pas le temps, putain! Vous avez faisant vos amis mal à l'aise!_"

" _Vous avez commencé_ " Jean mumbled, staring intently at the ground before looking at them in an apologetic way. "Sorry. That was uncalled for."

"You assume some risks when you jump into a semi-private conversation" Marco replied with a smile, shrugging, and winced when Captain Levi cried out something like "Fucking brats, they think they can skip training and". Armin groaned and made a weak attempt to step back, but Marco patted his arm and grinned at them. "I'll better go and give him some really good excuses before he explodes. See you another day, Charlotte."

And with that, Marco was off and leaving Eren without any stable support (Armin was great, but social interaction wasn't his strongest point; he was already sweating for that brief argument between Jean and his friend, and his incapability to step between them like he'd have done if Eren had been the one fighting with Jean). He wrapped an arm around Armin anyway and tried to appear as confident as possible, a decision that went to hell quickly after being taken.

"Seems like I'm getting you all into trouble" Charlotte observed sheepishly. "Sorry, Armin, sorry, Eren... Wait, _that_ Eren?" he jolted, blinking at Jean and then grinning at Eren. "I'm so glad to _finally_ meet you."

Eren wouldn't have believed it if anyone had told him there were people who could get on Jean's nerves like he did, but it seemed he had one of those lucky people right in front of him. The thought was so unexpected it took him a while to process his words and understand that the boy had implied Jean had told him about _him_. It hadn't gone unnoticed by Jean, though, judging by how he dragged the boy's beret down to cover his eyes and huffed, cheeks red "Honestly, Charles, _shut up_." And then things began becoming weird when the boy snorted and took his beret off with slender hands, whose nails were covered in pink nail polish, and a cascade of red wavy hair spreaded over his (her?) shoulders. Like that, Charlotte looked _a lot_ like a girl, but also _a lot_ like a boy still, so Eren wasn't quite sure of on which ground he was standing and that was making him almost as fidgety as Armin (also, he or she seemed to be that unknown redhead that was in some of Jean's drawings, so _fuck_ ).

"Err, thank you, _Charlie_ " Eren mumbled, eyes locking with Jean's in search of some kind of guidance.

"Uhm" was Armin's contribution to the conversation.

Charlotte, probably sensing the sudden discomfort, put his long hair up in a messy bundle and put on the beret again, but there was no way of unseeing what they'd seen and suddenly Eren was hyper aware of that damn nail polish, so feminine and odd-looking in a boy and yet so... right, someway (still weird, though, _very_ ). "I should leave now. I've kinda... sneaked in, and I'd be in deep shit if I got caught" he shrugged, and smirked at Jean. "But don't dare to think I won't come back, fucker. _Nous allons parler ensuite, et en plus de parler de vous savez qui, je veux connaître tous les détails sur ce petit ami de la vôtre_!"

" _Non, en aucune façon... Et il n'est pas mon petit ami, pas de tout, putain!_ " Jean cried out in response, glaring daggers at him.

"Don't let him give you a hard time" Charlotte admonished in Eren's direction, and gave Armin a sweet smile. "See you, guys."

Eren stared at him as he walked away, trying to locate a swing of hips that would identify him as a female who had chosen to dress as male for some reason, but he found none; he just had a certain bounce in his step, nothing over-feminine, and confusion overwhelmed him. And yet, once recovered from the surprise and the awkwardness, Armin was faster "Jean, care to explain? I mean, you saw he, _she_ , was wearing _nail polish_ , didn't you?"

"Fuck, Armin, we've been friends since we were five, of course I _saw_ , I _know_."

Jean looked resigned, not angry, so Eren didn't have any real reasons not to join in "So, is he... well, is he a _he_? It's kinda difficult to figure out, y'know."

"I adress her as 'she', but it's not like she cares when she's called 'he' anyway. I dunno, I call her Charlie, Charles, sometimes Charlotte... it's the same."

"You _adress_ her a she. Does that mean she is not truly female?" Armin pointed out, raising a brow. Eren would have never noticed by himself how Jean had dodged the question, but now he had, he wanted to know as much as his friend.

"That means it isn't important either way" Jean snapped, folding his arms against his chest quite threateningly. "And that you're gonna have to leave with your curiosity, Arlert, because not even _I_ know what she was born as."

"How can you not know?!" Eren couldn't help asking, even if it wasn't difficult to see Jean was beginning to get irritable. "He... _she_ is your friend! I'm sure Armin is male, and everybody knows it's not that obvious." Maybe saying that had been a bad idea; Armin brushed his hair away from his face in a vain attempt to appear manlier, his expression hurt.

"Goddammit, Eren, the point is _I don't care_. It's complicated, it's always been complicated, and she has never told me, so I've never asked. Why should it matter anyway? Hell, her mother is French to the core and gave her a name that goes for both male and female, and she calls her as one or another depending on the day and what her 'daughter' is wearing. So if not even her own mother is _that_ worried about how she defines herself, why should I, or _you_ , for that matter, care so much?"

It was weird, so fucking weird, but Eren couldn't even take care of his own problems, so he really shouldn't be poking his nose in other people's business, he mused. Armin must have been pondering the same thought, for he hung his head in defeat, bitting his lip "You are right, I'm sorry. That was very meddlesome from me, wasn't it? But... why does she do that? She could stick with one gender and would probably avoid a lot of trouble."

"I don't understand much either" Jean confessed nervously, hands twitching. "She feels like dressing like a man sometimes, like a woman other times, but usually she just does that thing in which she's part male and part female, you see. Like, with a skirt but... behaving manlier, I dunno. Or with man clothes but using nail polish, like she's done today. She's just like that. She's always been like that, for what I can remember."

"Doesn't it bother you?" Eren insisted, and only realized he'd crossed the line when Jean frowned deeply, lips pressed tightly together in a cold manner. _Fuck_. That was so much not what he intended.

"Whatever kind of person you've thought I am, you're wrong. It isn't _my_ decision, Jäeger, and neither is yours."

* * *

 _In the eyes_  
_of a teenage crystallized,_  
_oh the prettiest of lights that hang the hallways of the home._  
_And the cries from the strangers out at night,_  
_they don’t keep us up at night,_  
_we have the curtains drawn and closed._

That should have been the end of everything. It should have, and yet, it wasn't.

Armin went to look for Marco to thank him for backing them up (and possibly to tell him about what happened too, at least if Captain Levi had already dismissed everyone), and Eren had to follow Jean for a quarter of an hour before he condescended to talk to him without yelling (and they had to have some short but intense fights before reaching that point, that indeed). Jean still looked unconvinced, even while Eren apologized in the only way he knew ( _fuck, I'm sorry, alright? I didn't mean it like that, fuck, and your say_ I _take everything to heart, I didn't... I'm not judging her, or you, I... well, I'm sorry_ ).

"Why were you fighting anyway?" he asked out of the blue, after a comfortable silence.

Jean hesitated and mumbled a "Why do I need a reason to fight with her? I never needed one to fight with you", either trying to gain time or to distract him from the question. Eren could just guess it was one of those themes of which he didn't like talking about, like his mother clearly was, so he reached for his hand and tangled their fingers together in a silent encouragement. It was like a direct blow to the chest when Jean glanced around to make sure nobody was around before squeezing back. "It's nothing. Same old story: I hadn't told her I would join the Survey Corps and she was worried, which is precisely why I didn't want her to know."

"You didn't look angry at her when she was clinging onto you anyway" Eren observed, frowning. Someone holding information back and refusing to share it with him enervated him, especially if it was important; it wasn't just he hate being left in the dark, it wasn't a matter of principles, it was about how disquieting it made him feel when he didn't know what he was doing. "You started yelling when she said how she had found out you aren't being pampered by the King inside the Walls."

"You talk too much and it pisses me off" was Jean's answer, right before he left himself drop to the ground, dragging Eren with him.

Jean was too bony for his lap to be an utterly comfortable place, but that was where he had been forced to fall and... who was he trying to fool, he could push him away at any time but was choosing to stay because it was _Jean_ , and Jean had decided it was a great idea to kiss him senseless to prevent him from making more questions, and as much as he enjoyed the plan (Jean's tongue touching his and his breath in his mouth, Jean's hands on his hip and back, _oh Wall Maria_ , had there really been a time when the mere thought of doing that would have made his stomach churn?)... "You only ever talk to piss me off" he shot back, although most of the bite was lost in the breath between his lips and his. "We're in the middle of the fucking quarters, idiot, somebody is bound to walk on us" he added, remembering how he had reacted at him simply taking his hand.

Surprisingly, Jean didn't seem to mind it much ( _so holding hands is terrible, but we can kiss in fucking Erwin's office if you feel like it?_ ). He bit Eren's lip, pupils blown and unfocused "'S fine, nobody will come by right now; they're all eating lunch in the hall."

Eren would have said something sharp, or at least something that would have earned him a not-so-playful slap, but Jean was suddenly too bright, the lines of his face becoming the only thing in the world Eren could see, his expression unusually soft and open, almost dazed, lips parted and begging for his to land on them again. Too close, he was too close and his hips were pressing against his, and his mind was as full of him as it was possible to, and he was burning, he was burning alive, he needed to touch and feel and set Jean in fire, so he forgot even what he was thinking before _Jean_ and kissed him again, hands fisting in his shirt.

With shaky fingers he unclasped the straps of Jean's gear, leaving it aside, and then did the same for himself, because Jean looked content by just sitting there and staring at him in awe. In _awe_ , like he couldn't believe what was happening, and truly, Eren couldn't believe it himself, the ethereal sensation of being in a dream still as strong even as his hands released his shirt to slip under it instead, Jean's skin warming quickly at his touch (he felt him more than hear him, sucking in a breath, and that made him tremble in anticipation). Jean pulled him closer and clasped his mouth against his neck, swiftly finding that spot that always made him shiver when sucked as strong as Jean could without leaving a mark (not that Eren would mind that, but he hadn't been asked his opinion).

There were sharp nails being dragged through his back and digging in his hip, and it hurt but it also kinda turned him on, so before he knew he was spilling soft groans in Jean's ear and finding his smug smirk hot instead of aggravating, and that was when it came to him ( _fuck, I'm so smitten_ ), and after that, an ever more concise revelation ( _I love him so fucking much, this annoying idiot_ ). It should have hit him like a wall of bricks, but it didn't, it didn't because it felt so _natural_ and now he thought about it he should have been expecting it since long ago, hell was there even a time when he hadn't love him? Probably not. Maybe it had always been there, disguised as an innocent _how can he be such a jerk when he's that hot_ or  camouflaged between rage and false hate.

It was probably a good thing that Jean distracted him again before he managed to spill those three little words out (for Wall Maria, he was tempted to stop bitting his nails raw to be able to do _that_ , it felt so stupidly good), because he somehow doubted Jean was ready for that, that _they_ were ready for that, and who the fuck cared, all he wanted in that very moment was to rub himself against him until he _came_ , and Jean would probably be pissed for soiling his pants but he would let him anyway and would enjoy it all the same no matter how much he complained after. The fantasy sounded so amazing and real that he started making it true, sinking even further in Jean's lap and rutting blindly against him. He only realised he'd fucked it up when Jean stilled his hips in a rather rough manner, suddenly tense under him, and Eren probably wasn't an adept at reading him yet but he could recognize a kiss which only intention was trying to smooth things when he was given one (it felt so fake, so cold, that it almost softened his erection; _almost_ ).

"What the _everloving fuck_?!" Eren hissed, rightfully  outraged, as Jean pulled him up and took a step back with false casualness.

"What? We're gonna get caught, you said so yourself" he replied haltingly, running a hand through his hair. He wouldn't even look him in the eyes, and that was all excuse Eren needed to be even angrier.

"That was like _an hour_ ago" he  exaggerated, but it wasn't like it mattered anyway, not when Jean wasn't even listening.

"Well, but _now_ we're in real danger; lunch will end soon and people will come flowing. C'mon, let's go before Sasha eats our rations."

And there it went all the willpower Eren could have stored for respecting Jean's reluctance at talking about his problem with his friend, because now he'd have to put it on a better use, which was to avoid pouncing on him (fuck, there was only so much time he could endure a hard-on). "Fine, and while we walk there you can explain why were you so angry at Charlotte before" he said with false nonchalance.

Jean clenched his teeth and walked faster, shoulders high in a protective manner. "Hell, you're persistent."

"So are you gonna tell me or not, fuckard?"

" _No_."

"Sorry, seems I made it sound like you had a choice, my mistake. _Tell me_."

"Will you stop nagging me?!"

" _No_."

" _Jäeger_."

"Still no, _Kirstein_."

For a moment, Eren was truly concerned he had pushed too hard, because Jean, who had been practically running away from him, turned on his heels and seized his collar, pulling him closer rather threateningly. Golden eyes which for once held no ounce of softness met his, and it must have been difficult to speak with his lips so tightly pressed together, but Jean managed "You wanna know? Fine, I'll fucking _tell you_. There was this guy, Sylvain, we were friends once and then we weren't; he was a fucking douchebag, you see? Not like me, I mean a _real_ douchebag, of those who leave a trail of crying girls  in his wake. He was Charlotte's half-brother or something, we played together as kids and did all that dumb shit teenagers do after that; she kinda hooked me up with him and we were doing great, all merry and shit, and I thought he wasn't that bad, I thought he at least had _some_ respect for _some_ people, but guess what, it wasn't like that at all, Jäeger."

"What did he do?" Eren dared to ask quietly. He still wasn't sure on which direction they were headed (actually, he had no fucking idea of what that had to do with his question), but it was obvious Jean hated that guy, whoever he was, and he wanted to knew _why_.

"Doesn't matter" Jean was quick to mumble, even if he seemed to reconsider it for a second after saying it. "But he fuck it up, like _really_ badly, it wasn't anything in the lines of 'he cheated on you but it's not a big deal because it was a shitty teenager relationship anyway'. Yeah, it was shitty and idiotic and we wouldn't have lasted much, we didn't even like each other that much, but it was not it. It was awful, seriously, what he did, and I wasn't going to deal with his shit anymore, so we beated each other up and parted ways. I got into the Legion a while after; Charlie forgave him and promised to keep an eye on him so he wouldn't do anything overly stupid. And then, a few months ago, I start receiving some letters with the dumb fuck apologizing, can you believe it? Apparently he'd decided he was _oh so sorry_ and I totally had to forgive him out of the kindness of my heart, and when he finally noticed I was paying him no attention at all, instead of taking the hint and accepting that I didn't give two shits about his flimsy regret or whatever, he began nagging Charlie so she would convince me to talk with him again."

"And that was what she was trying to do today" Eren figured out, sighing, and Jean's grip on his collar loosened.

"Kinda. She had paid no mind to his whining before, at least not enough to come bother me with it, but he'd been doing some especially foolish shit and now she thinks he's depressed or something, and that I should give him a second opportunity because people change and blah blah blah, all that jazz."

"People _do_ change."

Jean raised a brow in an 'are you kidding me' fashion and shook his head slowly, voice as patronizing as if he were talking with a naive child "They don't, Eren. They just peel away layers of themselves, and the next one is usually even worse than the previous."

"I should have imagined your stupid pessimism would be your life philosophy. Don't you even think of anything that isn't how wrong is everything?"

"Why would I, when there are deadly optimistic guys like you, ready to start throwing flowers and sugar and good prophecies all around?"

Eren was aware that hadn't been meant as a compliment, but he took it as one anyway, beaming at Jean. "Nice to know I'm your ray of sunshine. But seriously" he added, pretending not to notice how Jean sputtered at that, clearly taken aback, "maybe you should listen to what he has to say. Your friend, I mean, your ex-friend, whatever. Don't have to forgive him or anything, but... you look like you both need closure, a nicer one than the one you had."

"Geez, Jäeger..." Eren was expecting a 'mind your own business' at least, if not something harsher, but he got a deep sigh and "You ass, you're starting to sound like Marco."

"Thank you" he replied proudly.

He didn't quite know how to react when Jean winced and mumbled "Don't. I don't need another Marco."

It had been a hard (and disturbing) day for so many reasons, Eren wasn't surprised at all when Armin dragged him closer by his arm after lunch in a quiet petition he understood instantly. He was wearing _that_ look, that shiny and slightly anxious one which spoke volumes for anyone who knew him enough, and Eren did, so it was practically yelling to him. They drove Mikasa away with  vague excuses babbled in a haste, and even if she was too clever to believe a single word they said, she left them be, her concerned gaze following them until they locked themselves in the cabins.

Armin fidgeted for a while before voicing his thoughts "I... I've been wondering. About Jean's friend, you know, Charlotte... uhm, Charlie. Just curiosity. Haven't you thought...?"

"Not really" Eren confessed, sitting on Armin's bunk ( _it's hard to think when all your available blood has been solely in your groin for weeks_ , he would've wanted to say, but then they'd have focused in _his_ problems and that wasn't what he intended for now).

"Oh. Well, I was... I was thinking that, maybe, we have been... missing an interesting experience. I mean, she looked happy, comfortable even as she broke all the gender rules we've been taught since birth, so I reflected" he brightened up increasingly while he got into those deep details only himself understood, "I reflected on those very rules, and... what if they are nothing else but barriers, limits the society had imposed on us? Lines can be somehow blurred, I pondered, and there isn't anything wrong with that, is there?"

"No, I guess not" he replied cautiously, lost on what Armin was trying to do. He would have never expected what came after.

"Fantastic! So would you be willing to do a little experiment with me? Nothing harmful, just... here, Connie got me this once, when he still thought it was funny." A small bottle of red nail polish was pinched between Armin's fingers, as if he didn't quite trust its content and didn't want to expose himself to it unnecessarily. "We could try it, only for today. To find out if we feel different or if we... like it, or essentially to note everything that seems relevant."

Eren regarded the little bottle with more bewilderment than displeasure, and then looked up at Armin's face again. It was bright red and undoubtedly excited, just like Hanji when she was about to stick a lot of needles in diverse parts of Eren's body for unknown (and painful) purposes, so if he submited to Hanji's crazy experiments, surely he could grant Armin that weird one of his. It wasn't the worst thing he'd even been proposed to do, after all. He shrugged, stretching his hands out to Armin in a wordless invitation "I have no idea of how this thing works, so... have fun guessing it."

Over the next half an hour, he observed how his bitten nails were slowly covered in red, in a messy and quite clumsy way that probably made them look as odd as they felt for him, but hey, he didn't really have any idea about that, so who was he to judge? He raised his hands to his nose to breathe in the penetrating smell of the nail polish, staring at it warily. It didn't suddenly turn him into anyone different, which was... not what he supposed it would happen.

"Now you can paint mine with your right hand, it must be dry already, but be careful with your left one until it..." Eren blinked, startled, when Armin's cheerful chatter stopped, only to find him staring at him with that peculiar crinkle between his brows. "Is anything wrong, Eren? You've been out of it for a while. In fact, you haven't been behaving quite like yourself for weeks."

"Jean" he blurted out thoughtlessly. "Jean. I'm... I've been... kissing with him and... dunno, we're not a couple or anything, it's just... I kinda love him, so. Yeah."

"That's all?" Armin let out a relieved breath, smiling, and Eren was forced to snap out of his shock when he wiggled his unpainted nails under his nose. "Eren, _please_ , you two have been sleeping in the same bed for _months_ , and even before that it was obvious you didn't hate each other as much as you claimed to. I'm sure the whole squad already knew you loved him before you realised it yourself."

"Fuck, and you never bothered telling me?" Eren cursed without heat, too busy painting Armin's nails in the nicest way he could manage to be truly annoyed because of it. "It's not that, anyway. It's... you know how he is, always avoiding to confront his problems and shit, the damn coward. He's running away from some trouble he has with his friends and he's running away... from _me_ , fuck. Every time we get hot, he just wriggles his way out of the fucking situation like he thinks I'm stupid or something and that I won't notice."

"Shouldn't have asked" was heard really, really quietly, so much Eren couldn't tell if his friend had actually said it or if it had been a figment of his imagination. "He might have his reasons, Eren" Armin said softly, his face redder than the nail polish they were using. "Have you even _tried_ to talk with him about that?"

"I did!" he squeacked indignantly. "I told him to stop being a jerk about his friend's matter."

"And about your... ehm, frustrations on the other matter?"

"...I haven't had the chance. Truly."

"Maybe you should try raising the issue" Armin suggested, observing critically his nails. "Communication is the key for any good relationship, after all."

And Eren tried. _Really_ did. It wasn't a bad advice (Armin's generally were as useful as they came), so he decided it wouldn't hurt to put it in practice; he had nothing to lose after all. That was why, when he later met Jean again before dinner, he went directly to talk to him (the murmurs that had been following him increased its volume, and Eren still had no clue about what the hell was those people's problem, honestly). Jean smiled ever so slightly as a welcome, and that made him smile too for no reason. "Horseface" he called lively, hands automatically going to his mouth in an usual gesture of nervousness; he couldn't bite his nails, though, he reminded, and it suddenly dawned him what all those murmurs had been about, and also why Jean's face abruptly broke in pure amazement for a second.

"You haven't called me that in a long time" he pointed out after he'd recomposed himself, sporting that presumptuous smirk of his. "Nervous, aren't we?"

"Why would I?" Eren lashed back, frowning intently ( _you knew all along that you're making me nuts? bastard, did you fucking enjoy leaving me with blue balls?_ ).

"You've painted your nails" Jean replied in a quite needless way. It was obvious he'd already seen that, after all.

"Yeah" he blinked, confused. "Not gonna say anything about it?"

"Red isn't your color."

" _Fuck you_! That's the kindest thing you have to say, douchebag?"

"Well... Looks nice on you." And he had the guts to say it like it was nothing and fucking _shrug_. "Should probably try with green next, though. I'm not expert, but... to match your eyes and all that shit."

That left Eren successfully stunned, and unable to lead the conversation back to the topic he had been intending to touch. It would have been inconvenient, but then they were stumbling to a dark corner to kiss like the world was ending (and it kinda was) and Eren couldn't care less about what he was going to say, especially since they were interrupted before a newly sprung erection had time to remind him.

That night, curled around Jean (it usually was that way; Jean never embraced him or slept face to face unless he was deeply asleep or Eren was having a pretty bad nightmare), he made another attempt to talk things through, as Armin had put it. The problem was, Eren was so on edge about it that he waited until Jean's breath was regular and he was relaxed against his chest, and by then, when he whispered in his ear " _Jean_ , I...", he managed to get through half of his poorly phrased confession before noticing that Jean was completely asleep. And fuck it, if Jean was cowardly avoiding his problems, Eren had the right to avoid his as well, just for a little while.

* * *

 _Oh, I know all your reasons_  
_to keep me from seeing._  
_Everything is actually a mess._  
_But now I am leaving,_  
_all of us were only dreaming,_  
_everything is actually a mess._

"Eren, have you...?" the rest of the sentence was muffled by the hubbub of laughter and shouting the dining hall was lost in. The recruits always did that, trying to compensate the grief that would no doubt follow after the upcoming expedition with obnoxious light-heartedness; their grins and chuckles had a certain hysteric tinge, but everybody feigned they hadn't noticed. Some people were already teary, supposedly from laughing too much, and yet the plea reflected in their eyes didn't leave room for doubt ( _who's gonna die this time, who, who? which friend, which brother, sister, which partner? save us, make it stop, please, please, make it stop_ ).

He turned towards the source of the loudest noise and screamed mercilessly "Sasha, Connie, tune it down, fuck!", before staring back at a slighty confused Marco. "Sorry, didn't hear you."

"You tune it up, Mister Scowl! No need to look so grim!" was Sasha's (falsely) jovial answer, accompanied by an airy kiss she sent in their direction.

Reiner, sitting with them and sporting a similar tired look, sighed deeply before plastering a slight smile in his face. He gripped Bertolt's arm and they both got up, walking towards the small group to join them and, if Eren knew Reiner at all, try to slap some commun sense in them. It would be an exhausting task, especially since they didn't count with Armin's help (he was talking with the Commander _again_ ) or Mikasa's (she was by his side and probably wouldn't move an inch until he himself did).

"I was asking" Marco continued in gentle voice, "if you have seen Jean."

"Not since this morning" Eren replied, shrugging, even as he realised what he had been missing the whole time. The fucker's presence didn't go unnoticed, it seemed; the reason Reiner and Bertolt had had to go deal with Sasha, Connie and a bunch of recruits was Jean hadn't been there to shout at Sasha ( _nobody wants your kisses, Potato Girl!)_ , elbow Connie in the ribs ( _don't encourage her, idiot_ ), and drag the other kids down with his suddenly essential pessimism ( _c'mon, we're all gonna die anyway, there's no reason to make it sooner than necessary and that's what's gonna happen if you don't all shut the fuck up_ ). Everyone would have probably been too busy fuming and ranting on him to feel depressed, which was the ultimate intention of that excessive cheerfulness but lacked the bothersome part of the yells and shrieks.

"Is anything wrong, Marco?" Mikasa unexpectedly spoke, tilting her head in a way that made her look like a cat (not like Eren would ever tell her that; he had to kill a whole lot more of Titans before dying).

"I'm just... concerned. You know how Jean's usually around when there's an imminent expedition, being his overly realistic self and arguing with Eren until they either lose their voices or disappear to... to do whatever they do when they're tired of bickering" he made a dismissive gesture, faintly embarrased at Mikasa's penetrating gaze. "I believe he's having some sort of trouble and overthinking it, like always, but he won't tell me what is it."

"Do you want Eren to go look for him?" she offered, and Eren whimpered in protest.

"How is it that I'm getting roped into this?"

"Well, since you're his _not-boyfriend_ " she emphasized wryly, "it's your issue to deal with. You were going to meddle either way, I'm just speeding things up."

"Thank you, Eren" Marco grinned, patting his back ( _and why the hell are they already taking it for granted?_ ), and leant closer to mumble in his ear. "He's been drawing a lot lately, y'know, always do that when he's having a hard time, so you may find him in the barracks, since there's never a soul there until nightime."

Eren raised his hands in rendition, for as much as a 'suicidal bastard' as he might be, he wasn't idiotic enough to fight with Marco and Mikasa, who were respectively the nicest and the scariest people in the whole Legion (it was such a dangerous mix Eren couldn't even imagine how it was working or for how long would it last before someone end up killed). Besides, Marco was a fucking seer or something (or maybe he just knew Jean too well), because Jean _was_ drawing in the barracks, sitting on the floor and taking advantage of the light that came in from the small window. That was a stroke of luck, since the least he needed was having to wander around the quarters to find the arsehole, but it was also very startling and even a bit painful; see, Jean was wearing _those glasses_ again, the ones that made him look like an idiot and extremely attractive too, and Eren hadn't been expecting that, so the sight made him literally stumble into the room.

Jean rose his gaze from whatever he was drawing and grinned teasingly "You really know how to make an entrance, hon."

"Not everybody can be as graceful as a horse like you, fuckard" Eren shot back as he managed to regain balance ( _fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, has he just called me hon? the hell is wrong with this jerk_ ). "Also, you look like a douchebag in those glasses, even more than usual, I mean. Wait, no! Even worse, you look like _Hanji._ "

" _Holy shit_. Shut up, dickhead, you wanna give me nightmares? Ugh." There was a smile playing with his lips anyway, breaking that displeased facade in little pieces, and it only widened when Eren approached him, falling on his knees and leaning over his shoulder to peek at the drawing. Jean immediately covered it with his arm and Eren pinched it in revenge.

"Lemme see."

It should have sounded like an order, but somehow it left his lips like a plea, and Eren hadn't hated himself so much in a long time. That made Jean chuckle, though, even if he still regarded him warily. "Not this one" he replied, almost conciliatory. The implicit offer there had Eren's eyes getting impossibly wide and bright with excitement; he laughed a lot at Hanji for his obsession with Titans (everybody did, really), but if the feeling she got when a new test subject was on her reach or when she made a wild discovery was the one Eren was having, as if he had the world in the palm of his hand and its most beautiful secrets were revealing themselves only to him one by one, then he could very much understand her behaviour.

"Show me" he asked, breathless. "Show me anything. I wanna see. Do you have... any else of me?"

If Jean was taken aback by his petition, if he perceived how much power his drawings gave Eren (they allowed him a peek of his closed-up mind, they allowed him to see which was Jean's real view on the world and... well, on him), he didn't show it. He pushed the unfinished away, among some others in his ever present portfolio, and flipped them over until he found one that suited his fancy and took it away. Eren rested even more weight on his back, arms wrapped around his neck (because he totally needed the support, not because he wanted that familiar intimacy, of course), and regarded the piece of paper intently, a sudden lump on his throat.

It was indeed a drawing of him, but this time it showed him in his Titan form, bloodlust evident in his very posture and body bathed in dark red. The tiny human figures around him were blurred and the Titan he was fighting was wrapped up in shadows, so he was the only focus of attention. Titan him was half turned towards the observer, his horrid face contorted in eagerness to kill, but there was something... there was something that wasn't quite right in the image. It wasn't only a drawing about pain, about death and cruelty, he could tell that just fine, but it took him a while to figure out why.  
Titan him had been infused with a certain gracefulness, with a certain beauty not devoid from threat, and deep in his surprisingly bright green eyes, Eren could see a spark of awareness: the monster was recognizing the observer as one of his, as a human, and acknowledging his own humanity at the same time, even while he carried on with the carnage. There was sorrow there, there was regret and resigned melancholy, and it was one of the most breathtaking things Eren had ever seen.

"Am I like that?" he whispered, voice breaking half-sentence and barely audible by the last word.

"You think I'd fight by your side if you weren't, dumbass?" Jean replied without bite, face noticeably red even from Eren's poor perspective.

He took a shaky breath in for all comment, in an attempt to ease the hard knot in his stomach and hold back the tears that were stubbornly trying to pour over. It end up being an impossible task, though, so he disentangled his arms from Jean's neck and pulled away enough so he wouldn't drench him and consequently give himself away. Hands twitching nervously on his lap, he followed Jean's movements as took his glasses off and laid them aside, opened the portfolio to put the drawing back in, and then hesitated, closing it again and suddenly turning towards him. "What?" Eren lashed out, pretending there were no tears running wildly through his cheeks to keep at least a tiny bit of his dignity.

"You keep it" he simply said, shrugging like it was nothing, and handed him the drawing that had shaken him to the core and left him in a sobbing mass unable to pull itself together. Eren reached out, took it with a trembling hand, and carefully left it on a nearby bed right before he threw himself into his arms. Jean flinched, caught off guard, but finally wrapped his arms around him during the scarce second he was allowed to, for Eren almost immediately pulled away, locking his eyes on his and attempting to put in that stare the whole spectrum of his feelings right at that moment. Jean must have been a mind reader, though, since he leant to kiss him and mumbled a kind "Still a crybaby".

"Still an idiot" Eren mumbled back, fingers tangling in his hair as he kissed him sloppily from need. "I didn't come here to be moved to tears, jerkass."

"And why did you come then?"

"Dunno. Can't remember" he sighed, barely hearing Jean's quiet chuckle against his neck, which he was lavishing very thoroughly. He couldn't be blamed for not remembering, truly, or for spitting it out so carelessly when he _did_ remember something he had been intending to do when he found him "Ah, yeah, was gonna ask you why you always push me away when things get heated." All that moist warmness on his neck disappeared abruptly, and only Jean's ragged breath remained grazing his skin as he tensed against him. "What? Not gonna answer?" he snorted, covering up how much he wanted to bang his head against the wall for letting it out.

"Didn't you want it to stop?" Jean asked quietly, strangeness and doubt lacing his voice.

"No" Eren admitted grudgingly, pulling a little at his hair in childish retaliation. "Why would I?" There was no response, and that only made him pull more viciously, anger starting to seep in his words "You have any idea of how much you fucked me up? You think it's good manners to leave me all alone to wank instead of taking care of what is your fault?" No response yet, although he could hear him groaning quietly at the last sentence. " _Fuck_ , you're so fucking frustrating."

"That's my line" Jean finally hissed, crashing his lips against his again in a rather rough and unpleasant manner, and then turning it into a deep kiss that melted Eren in a messy puddle, making him release his hair. The kissing stopped then, and he was raging at the realisation that had been exactly Jean's intention. "Fuck, Eren, do you want this?"

"If I want what?" he teased, smug, until Jean started to slowly push him backwards to lay him on the floor, and Eren complied, watching him hover over him with a longing expression. He had taken the strong resolve not to make it that easy for him (it had been a hell of sexual frustration, after all, nothing he could forgive easily), but it soon crumbled into pieces, for Jean laid on him, crushing him with his weight, every bit of his body pressed against Eren's. They were both already half-hard (well, Eren doubted he had ever stopped being, given his state during the last week), and he only had to shift a little bit under him for their groins to brush. For once, Jean didn't stop him, but stared right into his eyes with that extremely arousing expression on, the one with the eyes of a savage animal and the pale skin blushed from inside heat. "I want it" he squeaked, gripping Jean's shoulders. "Fuck, I want it."

Jean let out a breath in something that resembled relief (or maybe that was just Eren's mind making things up) and pressed his forehead against Eren's, not making a sound of protest when he began rutting against him. Not a sound of protest, indeed, but he did make some other sounds that had Eren trembling in anticipation. "Get off of me, you dumb shit, I can't breathe" was what got out of his mouth, although quite raspy.

"Can't with you clinging onto me like Sasha with a hot potato" Jean replied, groaning when Eren nipped his earlobe.

"Well, you _are_ hot" he sputtered, missing his comforting weight on him the very second he pulled away to lay besides him, and quickly turned on his side so he was facing him.

That made Jean laugh loudly, even as his nimble fingers fumbled with the buttons of Eren's shirt "Shit, you really are horny, aren't you?"

"Not as much as you're clumsy" Eren grunted, undoing the buttons by himself and then Jean's in quick succession. A half-bared chest wasn't as good as a fully bared one, but he was sure as hell they weren't going to lose any time getting out of their shirts (maybe some other day, when he didn't want to rip their clothes apart). His next objective were their flies, which he instantly unbuttoned too, and that was the last rational thing he was able to do before giving in to his urges and rubbing their clothed cocks together.

" _Putain_ " Jean hissed, reaching to kiss him again in a quite sloppy way, and suddenly pinched one of his nipples, probably as a warning. It shouldn't have been hot at all (hell, it was a sensitive area, it kinda hurt), but it fucking _was_ and Eren couldn't help yelping at that, back curving and pushing his chest against Jean's. "Wow, responsive" he mumbled, clearly surprised, and Eren bit his lower lip as a punishment for embarrassing him even further.

"Shut the fuck up. It hurts, asshole."

"Sure it does" he chuckled. He licked the blood away from his lips, and ignored Eren's groan of protest when he broke the contact between their groins in favor of having his face at the level of his chest. After a few soft tugs on the hardened nipple, Eren was in the verge of crying in frustration, but it got even worse when Jean started lapping on the other one; he wasn't ready for the feeling, he definitely wasn't, and had to try really hard to stop squirming and making undignified noises.

" _Jean_."

"Do you think you could come like this?"

Oh, no. No, no, no, no, no. If there wasn't at least some direct contact with his cock in the next few moments, Eren would burst into flames and very probably die, and what a pathetic death that would be. " _Fuck_ , maybe. But you won't find out... today" he added raggedly, relishing in Jean's amazed voice and the intense feeling that went directly from his nipples to his groin in a weird current of heat. He pressed the heel of his hand against Jean's crotch, listening proudly to the hisses and groans he received in response. "Wanna touch you. Want you to touch me. C'mon, Kirstein, pants off."

"You little shit" Jean breathed, sliding up again and leaving his nipples alone to wriggle out of his pants and underwear at the same time Eren was trying to. They only went about halfway, but it was enough for their purposes. "I swear to everything that's true in this shitty world, I'll fuck you so hard one day that you won't ever remember your own fucking name" he said in a heated whisper in Eren's ear, inciting an excited shiver from him, and then he didn't make any sound that wasn't a moan for a while, since Eren, after staring at it it for an instant in something akin to fascination, wrapped a hand around his cock and _pumped_.

The rhythm he imposed wasn't really steady, it was actually messier than anything and a bit uncoordinated, just like he handed himself when needed, but hell if it wasn't working, even if Jean would no doubt use a gentler pace for himself, something elegant and teasing and _fuck_ , Eren wanted him to try it on him more than he'd ever wanted anything. "Fuck, you douchebag, you'll better take care of _my_ cock too or I'll chop _yours_ off."

And surprisingly, Jean listened, taking Eren in his hand just the way he'd imagined and being the fucking tease he knew he would be. There weren't any more insults exchanged for a while, quiet noises of pleasure barely breaking the silence (well, quiet in Jean's case, who seemed to have the unnerving ability to hold his voice back or something), and there was even a time in which their cocks touched by pure accident and then they were grinding against each other again, this time in a much more intimate manner, precum making it slick and so incredibly good Eren could have come at any second. He didn't have the opportunity, though, since Jean came first, muffling his groan against his mouth in a sloppy kiss and involuntary tightening his hold in the base of Eren's cock, which prevented him from coming too. It didn't precisely help with the problem of his painful hard-on.

" _Kirstein_!" he screamed, frustrated tears pooling in his eyes. "Screw you, man, truly. You had to do _one thing_ , are you really _that_ stupid you can't even get someone off? Fuck, that was the rudest thing you..." he bit the rest back, eyes wide at the sight of Jean slipping down again, only that lower than the last time. The idiot was still flushed and breathing raggedly all over _his_ cock, a hazy look in his golden eyes from his release as he gripped his hips to support himself; it made his heart skip beatings like mad, and yet he managed to look like the usual Jean, smug and without a hair falling out of place. "The fuck you think you're doing, idiot?" he asked, startled, in a panicked high-pitched voice that kinda made him hate himself.

"I'm compensating you" Jean replied with false innocence, smirking. And before Eren had the chance to ask anything else, he drew a wet trail with his tongue from the base to the tip of his cock. Eren sputtered and moaned, bucking his hips up, and was rewarded by Jean cautiously licking his tip. His hands were still stained with come, so he couldn't grip on anything (not the floor, not the nearby bed, and definitely not Jean's hair, although it would be hilarious to see his face at that); that somehow made it even easier to unravel, losing himself in the feeling of Jean's mouth suddenly enveloping him, all that warmth and moisture and softness surrounding his cock. It probably wasn't going all the way into it, but he couldn't be sure, since he felt it everywhere, fucking _everywhere_ , driving him insane, the pressure in his lower stomach increasing until it was almost unbearable.

" _Jean_ " he whined ( _whined_ ; Jean would laugh his ass off when the moment was over, no doubt). It wasn't meant as a warning, but if he wanted to take it that way, he could be his guest, as long as he didn't stop, never stop, and... ( _oh, fuck, Jean, Jean, Jean, fuck_ ) Jean sucked in, cheeks hollowing, and Eren fucking _exploded_ , tension and frustration and everything draining away from him as he came.

He was too deep in his happy bubble to care when Jean coughed and pulled a bed sheet towards him to spit his come, with a disgusted face that would have been funny like hell any other day. Then he wiped the remains of his own come away and buttoned his pants and shirt up again, even if his eyes didn't drift away from Eren. "You gross fucker" he sighed, quite affectionately (if Eren wasn't imagining things again), while he started cleaning everything else that had been touched by come, including Eren himself. "Remember we have to leave before the new recruits come back from dinner, or else we'll have to face a situation I don't even want to think over."

"Whatever" Eren muttered in response, lazily stretching out a (now clean) hand towards him. He smiled like an idiot when Jean took it, left the sheet aside, and laid back next to him. "Was it serious?"

"What?" Jean asked back, pressing a kiss against his chest before starting to button his shirt up and looking thoroughly ashamed when he caught himself doing it.

"That thing you said, about fucking me so hard that... uhm, something something. I wasn't really listening after that."

"Yeah...? Yeah, I think so."

"Good" Eren grinned, tangling their legs together and pulling him as close as possible. "Ah, and Jean."

"Eren?"

He should have just said it, then, blurt it out and watch his face change into one of absolute happiness (or at least that was what he hoped it would happen); he should have just said it, said those three words that meant _everything_ in a world like theirs, said those three words that his heart was coding in every beat ( _I love you, I love you, I love you, Jean_ ). He should have, but instead, he heard himself addressing another question that he'd meant to solve later "Are you gonna talk with your friend, that... Sylvain? The douchebag?"

A pause.

"Only if you promise you'll try green nail polish if you ever put it on again." Eren stared at him, puzzled, and Jean grinned enticingly. "It _does_ look pretty good on you."

"Why? Do I look like a girl or something?" he huffed, internally on edge while he waited for the answer ( _don't fuck it up, Jean, be  your annoyingly honest self but don't fuck it up_ ).

"Not at all. You look like Eren with nail polish on."

"Oh." He pondered it for some moments and shrugged, beaming ( _good jerk, good jerk, well done, buddy_ ). "I guess you _will_ have to talk to Sylvain after all."

"Then I will" Jean accepted, eyes bright and slightly amused, before he started mouthing Eren's jaw idly.

And if that wasn't a victory in itself, Eren didn't know what it was.

 _We all are living in a dream,_  
_but life ain’t what it seems._  
_Oh everything’s a mess._  
_And all these sorrows I have seen,_  
_they lead me to believe_  
_that everything’s a mess._  
_But I wanna dream,_  
_leave me to dream._

**Author's Note:**

> For Jean's drawing of Titan Eren, I've inspired a bit on **[this](http://www.dypia.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/11/Shingeki-no-Kyojin-shingeki-no-kyojin-attack-on-titan-34781175-1600-1101.jpg)** image, at least for Eren's expression (I just love his eyes on this one, omg).
> 
> If you're curious on whatever Charlotte's born gender is (even though it doesn't really matter, it's not about that), I'll tell you I've written her kinda thinking about her being a born female, for no particular reason, so that's why her way of acting may have been a bit more inclined towards that (or perhaps I'm just imagining things; I hope so, since I tried not to do precisely that).
> 
> I can't believe I started writing this in the day of the Francophonie. Heh, fitting.  
> 


End file.
